Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
A bold strategy
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.