Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Breaking news:
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”