Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”


English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather


art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*


[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”


Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”


In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.


Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch


[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you


Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.