Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill