just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
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I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.