Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
New comic up. “Ransom”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job