Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
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2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical