Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

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my wife bought a soap dispenser that says “pump” on the side, which is good. without instructions, i was going to smash it against the floor to try to get the soap out


Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit


Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe


“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.


when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man


I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?


“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts


You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.