Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
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I’d … I’d rather not.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting