Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

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Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes


[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware


A fun thing to do while locking yourself in your house is to practice your knife throwing skills. Tomorrow it can be practicing your drywall repair skills.


[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.


Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though


Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.


Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.


Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.


I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.