Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.