Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
this is the greatest thing ever
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.