Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄