Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
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Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I have many caverns
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Each second of this is more amazing than the last