Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

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Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?


Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.

Boss: But..

Me: Shhhhhhh…..


i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig


When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.


I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.


Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.


Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.


I just got asked to work on a “special project” which is boss for “This was assigned to me but you’re smarter so here you do it.”


I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.