@SomthinBoutSara

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

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@nesgritton

Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?

@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.

Boss: But..

Me: Shhhhhhh…..

@acechhh

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

@chrisdowning

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

@slimmy_shady

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

@hmmmmmnope

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

@Social_Mime

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I just got asked to work on a “special project” which is boss for “This was assigned to me but you’re smarter so here you do it.”

@ExBoltsFan

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.