@SomthinBoutSara

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

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@dinnersruined

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

@krautsider

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

@aissalanis

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

@SteveDutzy

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

@TotallyAllen

My parents: If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?

Me as a little kid wearing sunlasses: idk maybe who all is there

@omgthatspunny

Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂

@liv_thatsme

I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.

@_salt_n_lime

Every time I turn in a job application and don’t get hired, I just assume they found this account.

@notalogin

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

@DanMentos

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot