octopus: [gun in each hand]
feral hog: you’re 22-42 short buddy
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
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Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don’t fool me. Oh that’s your bf. You still don’t fool me.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*