Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
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I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Love is always patient and kind.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee