Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Damn what did I do next
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”