Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on