Just watched Inception,Donnie Darko,Memento and The Matrix and now I don’t think I am real anymore.

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I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.


New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!


When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.


townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless


“Oh wow, that’s a lot of dishes to ignore,” I say to myself as I walk past the sink.


Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’


My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.


Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.