@jtswhipped

Just watched Inception,Donnie Darko,Memento and The Matrix and now I don’t think I am real anymore.

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@LackOfShame

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

@dreamthievin

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

@HousewifeOfHell

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

@evilistheheart

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

@SouthernCharmSD

“Oh wow, that’s a lot of dishes to ignore,” I say to myself as I walk past the sink.

@mack44_d

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

@ThugRaccoons

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

@AndyAsAdjective

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.