I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Just watched Inception,Donnie Darko,Memento and The Matrix and now I don’t think I am real anymore.
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
“Oh wow, that’s a lot of dishes to ignore,” I say to myself as I walk past the sink.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.