While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.