@DrakeGatsby

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

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@imskytrash

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

@jtswhipped

I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.

@dafloydsta

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

@SirEviscerate

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

@angrypumpkins

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

@MatCro

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

@maughammom

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb