Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
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Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”