@JohnLyonTweets

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

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@iLikeCatShirts

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

@Impetermoran

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

@Goldishocks

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

@dugglebutt

There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with

@KentWGraham

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

@ShaneKnowsStuff

I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.

@Marlebean

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

@poutinesmoothie

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

@Dutch_50

Good thing they specify all our brushes. Differentiating things like toothbrush from toilet brush can get confusing.