Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

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[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time


I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut


Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.


There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with


I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.


I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.


Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …


My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.


Good thing they specify all our brushes. Differentiating things like toothbrush from toilet brush can get confusing.