Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
spicy snake
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.