me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.