I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
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I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
the greatest twitter interaction
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh