So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
HOW DARE YOU
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old