Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Raisins are grape jerky.
be careful
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.