Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.

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I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.


Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*


When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.


[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11


*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold


Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.


Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006


One time a girl I liked was sad because her boyfriend cheated on her and I let her tase me to make her laugh and she got back together with him


My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.