just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?