*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
paid my rent so don’t ask me to go out because i’m in the crib getting my moneys worth.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho