@KattsDogma

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

@cottoncandaddy

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

@chydollasign

paid my rent so don’t ask me to go out because i’m in the crib getting my moneys worth.

@BoogTweets

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

@Christi_Q

Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”

@david8hughes

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho