Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
screw you
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
#ProTip
spot the difference
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.