Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL