My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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Last-minute gift idea!
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Catercrombie & Fish
this post was so formative to me
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.