Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.