Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?