My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
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year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro