Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
This kid is going places
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.