Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Wife: How’d therapy go?
Me: She said I need to share more details about my experiences with you.
Me: That’s it.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.