just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

You Might Also Like


*points w/ middle finger*

“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”

– Me giving directions.


BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…


Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?


When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything


*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.


I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.


BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting


BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.


my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die