@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

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@Cpez38

*points w/ middle finger*

“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”

– Me giving directions.

@P_o_n_k

BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…

@JustinGuarini

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

@RidiculousDak

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

@karanbirtinna

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

@SondraDeeMe

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

@peteec

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

@markydoodoo

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die