@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

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@Phook75

Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at

@hughlaurie

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

@OneFunnyMummy

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

@ColeNoorda

Wife: How’d therapy go?

Me: She said I need to share more details about my experiences with you.

Wife: And?

Me: That’s it.

@CAshmanActor

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

@yerpalmildsauce

*noise*
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is

@UncleDuke1969

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

@smithsara79

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

@Bob_Heller

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.