Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
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[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield