Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.

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Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.


Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire


Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*


A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-


[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend


I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.


[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.


Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?



‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.