TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
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I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Dolls on drugs
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.