My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.
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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”