@SteveSuckington
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
@Divergentmama
Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.
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@SteveSuckington
@TweetPotato314
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
@thedad
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
@jaslakhmna
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
@Brampersandon_
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
@NewDadNotes
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
@mack44_d
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
@Mouthy_
My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.
@XplodingUnicorn
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
@DumbConfessions
Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”