Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.
Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.
And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”
I’m so emb-
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.