Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

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I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.


Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.


You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.


Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”


[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”


[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”


Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.


[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah


[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG