Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
So we got a goldfish…
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
*exercises sarcastically*
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?