just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.