@McGrumpenstein

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

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@robdelaney

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

@lauralexx

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

@AnniemuMary

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

@LostFelicia

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

@Bob_Janke

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away