Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I still remember when people found me attractive.
Those were the minutes
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away