Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
nice challenge
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”