Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
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“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast