Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Trumpy Cat
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.