independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.