doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
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Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂