Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
You Might Also Like
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.