Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Spring of Deception
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.