Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”