Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
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I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.