Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
One of the best
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy