Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

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I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.


*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”


I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?


[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”


Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.


Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)


The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.


Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills..
All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..


my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?


ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad


It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me