I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.
Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills..
All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me