Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I know
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Breaking news:
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*