Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, “Do it. Become the plane you’ve always dreamed of. I love you.”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I may be delusional, but at least every single person I’ve ever met is in love with me
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”