@13spencer

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

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@Jeffwni

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

@MsCarlissima

My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, “Do it. Become the plane you’ve always dreamed of. I love you.”

*Soft kiss*

@NotJPo

I may be delusional, but at least every single person I’ve ever met is in love with me

@LoveNLunchmeat

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”