If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
scared to check what name she chose
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.